Me [watching Newshour] "Yeh Arnab ki ass-licking khatam nahi hoti kabhi. He's so goddamn loud. Annoying dumbass." (next day) Boss: *cracks a joke* Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SO FUNNY HAHAH I CAN'T BREATHE PLS CALL AMBULANCE HAHAHAHAHA THE NATION WANTS TO LAUGH"
Finally watching Black Panther. This is probably Akshay Kumar's best work yet. 👍🏻 https://t.co/nCvA76RLDz
Whoa, we can send money through Whatsapp now. Fucking amazing. This is so cool. Can somebody please Whatsapp me 8 lakh rupees so I can check if it's working, thanks.
Me (on the outside): "congratulations Anushka and Virat <3" Me (on the inside): "shiiiiiit man everyone's getting married sakbi shaadi ho jayegi bas mai reh jaoonga hey bhagwan I don't wanna die alone but chalo apne Sallu bhai bhi toh single hai hud hud dabangg dabangg dabangg"
THANK GOD they're banning those IDIOTIC conadum ads on TV. Just imagine how embarrassing it'll be for me to explain what a canduome is to my kids. Because even I don't know what a candom is our Bio teacher, Mrs. Gill, finished the entire reproduction chapter in under 5 minutes.
Friends this is your favourite RJ on India's number one radio channel. Coming up – paanch SUPERHIT GAANE back-to-back WITHOUT any commercial breaks, brought to you by Kalyan Jewellers, Raheja Developers, Kajaria Tiles, and six other brands I'm going to mention one by one now.
*James Bond lands in India* *Checks his phone* "License to kill के लिए आधार अनिवार्य है। License to kill को आधार से जोड़ने की डेडलाइन 31 दिसंबर 2017 है।"
In that ABCDEFGHI song from Hum Saath Saath Hain, Salman Khan's driving the bus (hehe). And his eyes are everywhere else but on the road. Fir baad me bolega ki uska driver bus chala raha tha. https://t.co/ulBx041q34
Why do we even send movies like Newton to the Oscars? We should instead send inspiring stories of human triumph like Raabta. Or surreal psychological thrillers like Half Girlfriend. The jury will fucking shit itself, give us every Oscar from every category.
All those 280 characters and thread feature updates were just a distraction. This is the real update Twitter's trying to hide. https://t.co/yOwUj7IDdI
Great quotes can be #inspirational. Here are some motivational posters – Salman Khan's tweets on Salman Khan's pictures. Read on and let them inspire you. Create your success. 2018 will be YOURS. https://t.co/p2yteIPasF
2017 was a great year for me as I turned my dream of becoming a fashion, lifestyle, food, travel and fitness blogger into a reality. Thanks 4 support guys ❤️ Pls tell all your friends to follow https://t.co/UFTICwTsgD don't want them to miss out on my absolute shit content.
Parents: "You never spend new year's eve with us, we should do more fun things together as a family" Me: "um okay" [23:00 31 Dec] Parents: "Ok so we are going to sleep now goodnight see you next year beta"
So much time they've wasted and this is what they came up with? Drop the 'i'? Change the name from Padmavati to Padmavat? At least saare vowels hatwa dete. Kuch feel aati, and it would've sounded cooler too. PDMVT
Shakti's New year's resolution was to give up sugar, so this is the desk he's coming back to. https://t.co/QpgAOK8yUX
Girl: *vomits* "think I've got food poisoni–" Me [grew up on Bollywood] "lagta hai yeh maa banne wali hai, [loudly] yeh ghar kilkariyon se goonj uthega"
Anant Ambani's speech was awesome. Especially the parts where he had the SAME expressions I do when I accidentally stub my toe on a piece of furniture. https://t.co/wk5qdIly6n
Thought I'll check out of the trailer of SRK's Zero. Ramesh has expressed my sentiments exactly. https://t.co/bHklPxBKJy
Dhobi *rings doorbell*: "Kapde hain?" Me: "Nahi hum sab nange ghoomte hai"
Started watching this movie called Geostorm. They show Shri Narendra Modi for a split second right at the beginning. Time for me to go rate the movie a solid 10 on IMDB without watching the rest of it. #ProudIndian https://t.co/z70J3WojC0
Congratulations to all the #goldenglobes winners! Here's a list of films you should definitely catch if you haven't yet: Lady Bird The Shape of Water Half Girlfriend Darkest Hour Raabta I, Tonya Tera Intezaar Dunkirk Julie 2
Friend: "Dude, a black cat just crossed our path, so we should probab–" Me: "Yeh superstitions vuperstitions kuch nahi hota, sab nonsense hai. And anyway my horrorscope said I'll have a great week ahead."
Me: "These firangs are such a sweet bunch, always smiling and greeting strangers" Also me: (someone smiles at me) "Is sajjan ko kya takleef hai bhai"
Her: "It's 35 degrees here. Feels like I'm in Mordor." [Brain: don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it] Me: "Mordor mein toh Emraan Hashmi tha"
"I'm so happy to be back on the dating scene" *goes on a few dates* [2 weeks later]: https://t.co/ZiFLUZExtm
Most normies remember Tusshar Kapoor as the mute guy from Golmaal movies. Not me. I remember him as the guy who wore lipstick in his 2001 debut film Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai. https://t.co/BwCJrVV7Us
Co-worker: "You claim HRA, check your PPF, NSC, ELSS and whatever else under 80D, 80E and 80CCC. Then download the IPSF, and upload a zipped folder of all those investment proofs. Got it? Any questions? Me: (nonplussed) "Ya so, what's an investment?"
Me: "Hahahahahah what's with that dumbass £70 lungi from Zara. Pachaas rupaye ki milti hai. Yeh firangs bhi naa, complete idiots." Starbucks' barista: "What'll you have, sir?" Me: "One Turmeric Spiced Chai Latte"
Girl: "What was the happiest moment in your life?" Me [thinking: Gangs of Wasseypur ke end me jab Faisal jaa ke Ramadhir Singh ko maarta hai with dubsteppy teri keh ke loonga background music] "Obviously when I met you, bub"
me: "the best part of being an adult is that I don't have to sit through an hour of complete NONSENSE that was my school's morning assembly" boss: "quick team catch-up tomorrow morning at 9?" me: *accepts calendar invite*
Patanjali: "Dant Kanti toothpaste kare aapke masoodon ki hifazat" Me: "Ye Ramdev pagal jo bhi bolega hum maan lenge kya" Patanjali: "By criminalising marijuana, we're denying a business opportunity to our people" Me: "Baba Ramdev bol rahe hain toh sahi hi hoga"
[playing chess] Shakti: "Can you please take this seriously?" Me: *making the rook dance* "rook rook rook, arre baba rook" Shakti: "Please?" Me: *rook dancing intensifies* "chalte chalte yuhi rook jaata hoon main" Shakti: *getting up to walk away* Me: "Arre rook ja re bande"
Friend: "Dinner at my place tomorrow, can you make it?" Me: "Main kyun banaoo tera dinner, tu khud bana saale"
Internet: "Pyaar ek dhoka hai!" Me: "Hehehehehehh" Internet: "Here's 20000 pyaar ek dhoka hai memes" Me: "Hahahahahahahahhaha" Internet: "On Valentine's Day thousands of us are going to gather and scream pyaar ek dhoka hai wooohoooo" Me: https://t.co/pvXbRjaq0O