Please @JimmyKimmel - stay out of politics. Leave the important stuff to reality TV stars with a knack for bankrupting casinos.
The remaining GOP senators? Totally cool with voting in bad conscience. https://t.co/OpGit8W6yP
Anyone else want to hear Jon play the whole song? https://t.co/wPvYrG0AjP
90% sure Trump nicknamed Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man” because he forgot his name.
Republicans are trying one last Hail Mary to repeal Obamacare. The plan? If you get sick, say a Hail Mary.
Wish I could have told these! https://t.co/0a2bA2Ukfc
Fixed it. https://t.co/Ta9amHdLGb
Can't wait for Trump to visit Nambia and their technologically advanced neighbors in Wakanda. https://t.co/cfsT5yT35j
Who leaked!!!! https://t.co/KWvdgXBaus
...And the Bill of Rights doesn't count because it wasn't part of the ORIGINAL Constitution! https://t.co/PwJBpTEpVB
Everybody is saying this will be the most luxurious, grandest jury in world! Best indictments ever! Believe me!
Happy birthday, President Obama! So happy to see that you’re only aging one year at a time now!
Trump's going on vacation for 17 days, or 1.7 Scaramuccis.
Much more impressive than her slacker brother who took a gap year to go backpacking around Dagobah. https://t.co/vodCWlYf7L
I kissed the face of the sun! Thanks @seanseaevans https://t.co/50VBsSpt29
North Korea officially has a warhead small enough to fit on a missile. Huh. Being "tired of winning" sure feels a lot like "a stress ulcer."
59% of Americans think Trump's presidency has been a failure. The other 41% still don’t have twitter.
On Monday 8/14 Anthony Scaramucci will be my guest on @colbertlateshow. This is just a heads up for our censors to get ready! #themooch
Young Hits From 1972-74 https://t.co/cmOSzzsfSx
I didn't know!!! Say hi next time Steve. Long Time listener (starting Summer of '86), first time caller. https://t.co/qrMT9Ixjnn
Get ready for the sequel: "2 Fiery 2 Furious: Pyongyang Drift!” https://t.co/8yPvDGmTvW
Working on my #Emmy bod. Wanna look ripped in my sleeveless tux! @CBS on 9/17 @TelevisionAcad https://t.co/wxZcQ6g7EK
Guys, let's not panic. Maybe "locked and loaded" is just how Trump orders his nachos.
Feed mayonnaise to tuna. Call StarKist! https://t.co/GqY3e7aZMC