"I'm so happy to be back on the dating scene" *goes on a few dates* [2 weeks later]: https://t.co/ZiFLUZExtm
Her: "It's 35 degrees here. Feels like I'm in Mordor." [Brain: don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it] Me: "Mordor mein toh Emraan Hashmi tha"
Sunny Deol: "Milord, main court ko apna phone dikhaana chahta hoon" Judge: "Ijaazat hai" Sunny Deol: https://t.co/09XxEJsA7U
Hey guys, we at @Zomato (me mostly, I'm a great team player) have been working on some outdoor ads. If you spot one in your city, please share a picture with us (me). Thanks! 😇 ☺️ https://t.co/sxl5qYpAuk
Finally caught the Avengers Infinity Wars trailer. Man. WHAT A STAR STUDDED LINE UP. Reminded me of my other all-time favourite superhero movie, maybe you guys have also heard of it, it's this Bollywood flick called Hum Saath Saath Hain.
Manyavar: "Guys, we need a brand new campaign" Agency: "What's the budget like?" Manyavar: "Don't worry about it bitch" [5 minutes later] https://t.co/7YnOtkxfDP
Guys, if any of you need money let me know, okay? I accidentally tapped on the link the in Hike Messenger SMS. That’s how much of a fucking idiot I am. Now I have 78 lakh rupees in a pile on my bed, and I really don't want to sleep on the floor tonight.
Colleague: "Had you invested $5000 back when Bitcoin's value was $100, you would have 50 Bitcoins. Put all your money in Bitcoin man, it's the future." Cigarette tapri guy: "Maalik pichle hafte ka 72 rupaye udhaar bacha hai" Colleague: "Kal doonga pakka god promise"
Every day I read about Bitcoin rising, and I regret not buying it the day before. But knowing my luck track-record, I know damn well that as soon as I buy it, it'll fucking crash the very next day.
Sanjeev Kapoor: "Maal ko dheemi aanch pe thoda bhun kar bareek bareek tukdon me tod lein. (takes a deep breath) waaaah kya khushboo hai. Uske baad tambakhu, jisse English mein tobacco kaha jaata hai– Friend: "Yaar, tu ek ghanta laga dega. Idhar de."
Friend: "Why do you wear the same sherwani at every shaadi?" Me [has only ever owned that one goddamn sherwani]: "Yeah well Steve Jobs also wore the same thing everyday so he had one less thing to think of"
Me (on the outside): "congratulations Anushka and Virat <3" Me (on the inside): "shiiiiiit man everyone's getting married sakbi shaadi ho jayegi bas mai reh jaoonga hey bhagwan I don't wanna die alone but chalo apne Sallu bhai bhi toh single hai hud hud dabangg dabangg dabangg"
THANK GOD they're banning those IDIOTIC conadum ads on TV. Just imagine how embarrassing it'll be for me to explain what a canduome is to my kids. Because even I don't know what a candom is our Bio teacher, Mrs. Gill, finished the entire reproduction chapter in under 5 minutes.
Friends this is your favourite RJ on India's number one radio channel. Coming up – paanch SUPERHIT GAANE back-to-back WITHOUT any commercial breaks, brought to you by Kalyan Jewellers, Raheja Developers, Kajaria Tiles, and six other brands I'm going to mention one by one now.
*James Bond lands in India* *Checks his phone* "License to kill के लिए आधार अनिवार्य है। License to kill को आधार से जोड़ने की डेडलाइन 31 दिसंबर 2017 है।"
In that ABCDEFGHI song from Hum Saath Saath Hain, Salman Khan's driving the bus (hehe). And his eyes are everywhere else but on the road. Fir baad me bolega ki uska driver bus chala raha tha. https://t.co/ulBx041q34
Why do we even send movies like Newton to the Oscars? We should instead send inspiring stories of human triumph like Raabta. Or surreal psychological thrillers like Half Girlfriend. The jury will fucking shit itself, give us every Oscar from every category.
All those 280 characters and thread feature updates were just a distraction. This is the real update Twitter's trying to hide. https://t.co/yOwUj7IDdI
Great quotes can be #inspirational. Here are some motivational posters – Salman Khan's tweets on Salman Khan's pictures. Read on and let them inspire you. Create your success. 2018 will be YOURS. https://t.co/p2yteIPasF
2017 was a great year for me as I turned my dream of becoming a fashion, lifestyle, food, travel and fitness blogger into a reality. Thanks 4 support guys ❤️ Pls tell all your friends to follow https://t.co/UFTICwTsgD don't want them to miss out on my absolute shit content.
Parents: "You never spend new year's eve with us, we should do more fun things together as a family" Me: "um okay" [23:00 31 Dec] Parents: "Ok so we are going to sleep now goodnight see you next year beta"
So much time they've wasted and this is what they came up with? Drop the 'i'? Change the name from Padmavati to Padmavat? At least saare vowels hatwa dete. Kuch feel aati, and it would've sounded cooler too. PDMVT
Shakti's New year's resolution was to give up sugar, so this is the desk he's coming back to. https://t.co/QpgAOK8yUX
Girl: *vomits* "think I've got food poisoni–" Me [grew up on Bollywood] "lagta hai yeh maa banne wali hai, [loudly] yeh ghar kilkariyon se goonj uthega"
Anant Ambani's speech was awesome. Especially the parts where he had the SAME expressions I do when I accidentally stub my toe on a piece of furniture. https://t.co/wk5qdIly6n
Thought I'll check out of the trailer of SRK's Zero. Ramesh has expressed my sentiments exactly. https://t.co/bHklPxBKJy
Dhobi *rings doorbell*: "Kapde hain?" Me: "Nahi hum sab nange ghoomte hai"
Started watching this movie called Geostorm. They show Shri Narendra Modi for a split second right at the beginning. Time for me to go rate the movie a solid 10 on IMDB without watching the rest of it. #ProudIndian https://t.co/z70J3WojC0
Congratulations to all the #goldenglobes winners! Here's a list of films you should definitely catch if you haven't yet: Lady Bird The Shape of Water Half Girlfriend Darkest Hour Raabta I, Tonya Tera Intezaar Dunkirk Julie 2
Friend: "Dude, a black cat just crossed our path, so we should probab–" Me: "Yeh superstitions vuperstitions kuch nahi hota, sab nonsense hai. And anyway my horrorscope said I'll have a great week ahead."
Me: "These firangs are such a sweet bunch, always smiling and greeting strangers" Also me: (someone smiles at me) "Is sajjan ko kya takleef hai bhai"