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BIGGEST INDIAN SCAMS: Nirav Modi: scammed PNB of ₹14000 crores, applied for political asylum Vijay Mallya: owes ₹9000 crores in loans from 17 different banks, subject of extradition Akshar Pathak: took an Uber for ₹657 in 2018, didn't book another cab, hasn't paid till date
Me: "Can I leave an hour early today?" Boss: "Oohoo Valentine date haan wink wink" Me (booking 1 ticket for Gully Boy on the phone) "hahahaha yes date"
Reporter: "Movie kaisi lagi?" Bajrang Dal goon stepping out of the hall: "Meri gully Meri gully gully gully mein Tere scooteron ka khaas meri gully mein Ladka ladki nahi paas meri gully mein Park mein baithe do chamaat meri gully mein Dikhe saath lagi waat meri gully mein"
Director: "Ok so this movie is called Bole Chudiyaan" Nawazuddin Siddiqui: "Bole Chutiyaa" Director:"Chutiyaa nahi chudiyaan" Nawazuddin: "Chutiyaa" Director(getting mad): "Chudiyaan. CHUDIYAAN! Say Choo–" Nawazuddin Siddiqui: "Choo" Director:"-diyaan" Nawazuddin: "-tiya"
Don't you HATE those stingy friends who split bills to the dot. Open the calculator and go "okay 727 and 50 paise each". Looks so petty. The poor server has to swipe so many cards. Won't it be so much easier if you pay this time and I'll pay the next time at a much cheaper place.
VALENTINE'S ORIGIN: ROME: Named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of lovers GREECE: marriage of Zeus and Hera was celebrated INDIA: Rahul sang 'chand ne kuch kaha raat ne kuch suna tu bhi sun bekhabar, pyaar kar', and Pooja looked at the full moon and said 'la la la la la'
Only complete idiots pay for Netflix and Prime Video when there are so many webs–*closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* *closes popup* –ites that let you stream shit for absolutely fucking free.
Internet: "Anushka has a doppelgänger" Me: "Wow" Anushka Sharma: "Wow" Julia Michaels: "Wow" Manyavar meeting room: "Bas ek gora Virat mil jaaye toh US mein bhi launch kar sakte hain"
Police: Kya kya chori hua? Jazzy B: Jeene mera grill luteya Police: Oho Jazzy B: Jeene main door tuteya Police: Oho Jazzy B: Air Jordan de juteya Police: Wahan toh pade hain Jazzy B: Hehehe forgot where I put ya, oho Police: Jazzy B: Police: Saala kutreya Jazzy B: Oho