fmk: tonight's new #tosh, roy moore, a painful bout of hemorrhoids....go!
#tosh west coast 47 minutes reminder! can't live tweet, my ballerina wife got turf toe (don’t ask) and now i’ll be busy icing her dawgs for the the next three weeks.
a lot of you have been wondering when i was going to finally star in a movie. well the answer is this christmas! thank you, hallmark! https://t.co/6Q3VwtQiz0
how can ucf be overrated because they haven’t played any real competition, yet every major school is firing their head coach to get ours? which is it?! #topfour #ucf #tosh
as a mixed-race cis male who grew up in the 90’s with 4 lovely strong imaginary daughters, it would mean the world to me if you watched the season finale of #tosh tonight!
so proud of my mom for walking in the victoria’s secret fashion show last night! who says an old woman with droopy tits can’t be a supermodel?!! #dreambig
cooking my first bird this year. she’s 86 pounds. frozen solid. won’t fit in the oven. any tips @butterball?
can’t live tweet the #tosh season finale tonight. my ballerina wife and i only have one day left on our disney socal resident 3-day pass that expires today. how many times can one mouse buttfuck a man?
tonight's #tosh season finale took me over four days to put together, and it is a true labor of love. you have 40 minutes to prepare.
not as sad as coach having to live in nebraska. will you be sad if he does come and your team still sucks? https://t.co/MkkNCIybkG
gotta work. #tosh
congrats ucf!!! number one football program in the state of florida (including the nfl)!!!!!
thank you tiger! i promise i will never take watching you golf for granted again.
fire coach frost!!! i’m too stressed! #ucf #undefeated
keep pretending the most exciting team in college football wouldn’t spank anyone in the top four!!! #ucf #undefeated
so now jay cutler is the goat?! i live in the now!!! #dolphins
dear alabama, vote roy moore! (they hate when hollywood celebrities tell them what to do and they are too stupid to understand reverse psychology, also none of this matters because they can’t read.)
dear alabama, vote for the guy who wants to kill babies or the guy who wants to have sex with them. have fun!!
dear alabama, you and i know you don’t deserve to be in the playoffs! your schedule was weak and your loss was brutal! ps ucf got robbed.
national signing day tomorrow!! don’t let my nephew @tdemorat leave the state of florida!! @ucf_football @gatorsfb @fsufootball @canesfootball @usffootball @fau_football @fiu in no particular order, minus ucf being number 1.
usc is straight garbage.
your true national champions!!!! #undefeated #ucf
fuck the sec! (i’ll work on my language in 2019)
my ballerina wife was just at a hollywood spin class where everyone cheered when the instructor told them “deadmau5’s attorney is here!” thanks for making her feel like small potatoes.
speaking of shitholes, big congrats to jacksonville!!! #jags #bortles #ucf