Vital Stats from President Trump’s Physical: Height: 75 Inches. Weight: 239 Pounds. Depth: None.
I believe it was a reading from The Letter of St. Paul to the Elephant in the Room. https://t.co/ffC2PuDe85
“Unhappiness. Where’s when I was young and we didn’t give a damn, ‘cause we were raised to see life as fun and take it if we can.”
As FDR so famously said: “December 7, 1941. A date which was a pretty wild scene. Totally nutso. Seriously, that shit was crazypants.” https://t.co/WJngq78Lba
🎶It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right I hope you had the time of your life 🎶 https://t.co/RKT9nZo87G
The White House is saying Trump's slurred speech last week was due to dry throat. It's a common side effect to lying mouth.
Wow, if I had invested $1,000 in Bitcoin last week, today I would have... still no idea how Bitcoin works.
IT’S CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! Yes, Virginia, there IS an Alabama!!
CNN: Roy Moore lost. MSNBC: Doug Jones will be the next senator from Alabama. FOX: IS MUELLER SECRETLY HILLARY IN A LATEX MASK? WE’LL ASK TED NUGENT.
The weirdest thing about Doug Jones winning was that for the first time since last November, I drank to remember.
This year Santa brought me the best Christmas present of all- a box of @tomhanks! https://t.co/LBpshdydZN
Congratulations to Senator-Elect Doug Jones, who beat Roy Moore and then busted a move to celebrate! https://t.co/9ixmg5PAh6
All good things must come to an end. Also, 2017. To celebrate, I’ll be tweeting out some of my favorite moments from the show! #Make2017GreatAgain
Remember my last day at the Daily Show? Totally forgot there were cameras there. #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/KIvV9fXnMR
That time your cool cousin @nickkroll and I taught you about the birds and the bees and the pubes. #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/X9Has545L5
My visit to the Moscow Ritz Presidential Suite or "P Suite." Wink-wink. #givemethepeepeetape #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/Nr8xWb59Gg
Needed special cameras for my new segment "The Two Palest Men In Show Business.” #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/h08Bp423W7
Remember when we had a wonderful kind of day together remaking the Arthur theme? #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/saaMEmKvxB
That time we gave a fond farewell to the only coherent part of Trump's tweets. #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/lTkwyn9GUU
There was that time Dave Chappelle stopped by and made me feel better about America. #Make2017GreatAgain https://t.co/IwV6jWhbiL
Having trouble following today’s news, but I’m excited to congratulate Hoda Kotb on taking over for Sen. Orrin Hatch!!
Please don’t make me picture your “Button.” ...also don’t start a nuclear war, you “Buttonhead.” https://t.co/kfFvLkBMk4
Winter Storm Grayson appears to be turning away from the East Coast, possibly because it can’t compete with the shit-storm in Washington.
So excited for Monday’s “MOST DISHONEST & CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS OF THE YEAR!” See you on the red carpet, @AndersonCooper! #TheFakies https://t.co/r8pYCj0g9r
Look, I know things seem bad, but at least lizards aren’t falling from the sky, oh wait... https://t.co/tnlXTkJWBo
One of the most surprising parts of "Fire and Fury" is how Donald Trump accidentally started a national book club.
The President didn't hold his Fake News Awards today, and the fact I said he would is MORE PROOF I SHOULD WIN ONE!
When you need to quickly get rid of Stephen Miller… #JakeTapperandtheDeathlyGuest https://t.co/FkGGmfFpmG
Nothin’ but respect for OUR @CartoonPres. It premieres Sunday, Feb 11, 8 PM ET/PT on @Showtime. https://t.co/DnTDbXYyRf
This season of Black Mirror is more disturbing than I could’ve possibly imagined. https://t.co/gB1IsupHvK